


It's me

by Ms_Red



Category: BIGBANG - Fandom
Genre: BIGBANG group dynamics, It became darker, Much darker, updating sporadically, welp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-05-19 08:05:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5960125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ms_Red/pseuds/Ms_Red
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daesung's musings, and possibly what he does that nobody knows about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Really?"

Daesung was tired of everyone doubting him.

"Really."

Jiyong's look of disbelief changed to one of fondness as he quickly ruffled Dae's hair then yelled at maknae "Maknae! Stop harrassing the translator! We only have this small window of time for soundcheck!"

"The one you hate because we have to pretend to have soundcheck but actually meet our fans before the real soundcheck or the real soundcheck where you become all professional and edgy?" Seungri grinned at Jiyong as he adjusts his sunnies on his face, covering slightly swollen eyes from a night of partying with his friends and going straight from a supper spot to the hotel to the concert venue.

"Jiyong loves his fans. Wherever they are, there we will be," Youngbae softly said with that tiny smirk that always amused Daesung, that quirk in his lips accompanying those often teasing comments when everyone least expect it.

“Aish! Whatever you guys! This day feels long enough already,” Jiyong grumpily walks away to look for Seunghyun for a last smoke before they meet the next group of adoring fans who were lucky enough to win their spots to see them before the eventual concert later this evening.

Daesung absently played with the mic already in his hands, watching his leader stomping off in a huff, tight shoulders only relaxing when he spotted his smoking buddy making faces into his phone, playing with a new app to post more explosive updates on his instagram.

As he watched Jiyong and Seunghyun companionably walking towards the smoking corner, sticks already in hands, Daesung mused about Jiyong’s quicksilver mood changes and his other hyung’s ability to smoothen out that fiery temper.

Daesung knew the personalities and habits of all his band members well, having formed the habit of keeping silent and listening when they talk around him or staying still in a corner observing their shenanigans when they gather in a group. Jiyong persistently professes to know everyone the best, and having everyone else believe it too. Daesung thought otherwise, at least when it’s about him. They may have known whenever he had relationships with women in the past or when they ended abruptly when he suddenly refused to join them for meals, instead opting to stay home or spend his time at the gym. Beyond what they saw, they never knew the whys or hows of anything else. Daesung was careful never to say too much. Saying too much is dangerous. Even to his own band members he considered family.

 

“Dae-yah.. what are you thinking about?” Daesung looked up sharply, having not realised he had ended up staring into space, fingers still mindlessly twirling his mic.

Seunghyun crept closer and lightly laid his head on the shorter man’s shoulder, ignoring that quick stiffness before his dongsaeng relaxed his body. He was used to Dae’s reflexive action when a stranger intrudes into his personal space. Of all the members, he was the first one to forcibly barrel through Daesung’s paranoia and fear since the incident, making way for the others to try to resume their closeness with Daesung, or as much as he allowed them to.

Daesung crinkled his nose at the strong smell of cigarettes still clinging onto his hyung’s clothes.

“Not much,” he murmured. “Psyching myself up to make our fans happy.”

Seunghyun kept his silence and hummed quietly. He heard the tone in Dae’s voice. It was not in his place to dig deeper. For now.

 

“Ow!! Ya Kwon Jiyong! That hurt! That was a sneak attack!” Seungri’s shriek pierced the almost peaceful moment the two were enjoying.

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe if you had enough sleep or rest you would have seen it coming!” Jiyong crowed dancing around trying to keep the empty bottle which had rebounded from Seungri’s head, away from Seungri’s clawing hands in an attempt at revenge.

“Enough.” Youngbae’s growl quietened everyone. He had slipped into professional mode and during times like these, even Jiyong would tone down his randomly rambunctious phases.

“Showtime!” Seunghyun walked confidently towards the stage, cutting Youngbae off from his rousing speech, something he did when he was in the mood.

Youngbae bit his lower lip. He had a perfect speech in his head, that sneaky bastard. Seungri flashed a quick peace sign with his fingers at Youngbae as he ran after Seunghyun, followed by Jiyong shaking his head to appear less grouchy at yet another ‘soundcheck’ session.

“You had a speech in your head, didn’t you?”

Youngbae grinned at Daesung, mirroring his eyesmile. Switching on his mic, Youngbae crooned into it.

“Are you, are you ready~~?”

The deafening screams spurred Daesung to quicken his pace. He would look for another smile amongst the crowd tonight. As always.

 

 


	2. Smiles

Daesung tuned out the screams and squeals. The encore segment of their concerts was always his favourite. He could walk wherever he wanted to, and after making sure he went back to his fans in the crowd to smile, wave or dance for them, he would feel like he had paid his dues and at times go into his own head while maintaining a certain level of 'professional' behaviour on stage until maknae or Youngbae-hyung decided they would end the concert on their own note. Daesung languidly twirled his mic in his hand, watching Benny on the big screen as the band was introduced. He admired Benny's skills in drumming. He had learnt the basics from him, practiced obsessively on his own, even tapping his fingers to a rhythm only he could hear in his head during those times they had to wait to board their flights.

He scrunched up his nose, remembering a night when he found one of his fansites capturing a video of him air-drumming at the airport. Even something as innocuous as that known to his fans, mildly upset him. Daesung scanned the crowd absent-mindedly while reminding himself not to be caught like that too often -- his eyes landed on one of the numerous slogans meant for him at this concert. He had seen many more slogans and signboards for him lately and he felt gratified that fans actually thought of him that much. This slogan today, was held by a girl who caught his eyes; she wasn't screaming like most fans do to catch their attentions. She silently watched him, nose scrunching slightly. Startled, Daesung realised she was mimicking him. Abruptly stopping in front of her, he decided she was the one tonight. He looked her straight in her eyes and smiled brightly at her, waving. The fan widened her eyes for a moment and waved at him, grinning. Daesung sighed inwardly; just the same then. He decided he might as well dance a bit for her, he liked how her face brightened when she smiled. He finally tuned in to the current song the encore was at and swayed his hips while smiling at her. Fully expecting to see her either scream or clutch someone beside her (he had seen his fans do this all the time), his swaying slowed when he realised she was doing neither.

Daesung's mind raced. The fan was quirking her eyebrow at him. As if she _knew_. And she was challenging him because she knew his secret. And she wanted him to know that she knew.

Fucking. Hell.

Daesung was snapped out of his shock when he felt a light tap on his shoulder. Through his daze, he felt Seunghyun-hyung grab his arm, dragging him to the center stage to end the concert. He didn't miss the spark of concern in his eyes though. Angrily, Daesung pulled back his arm and stalked off to join the rest, plastic smile in place by now. Seunghyun-hyung thinks he knows everything about me, he thought. Well he doesn't.

"I didn't let him" he thought savagely.

Daesung had committed to memory the venue and date of the concert and how the fan looked like, complete with her outfit. He would look for the pictures and videos later. He couldn't take the risk. Daesung pretended to kiss the camera when they left the stage -- the last one for this place. He felt suffocated and he needed to find a smile. A smile that didn't hide questioning or knowing looks. 

Unlocking his phone with a series of complicated gestures, a pin code and his fingerpint, he dialled a number furiously. 

"One. Tonight. I'll let you know where. No, nobody knows about this one. Yeah, they knew about the other two but tonight, no. The usual, no name, no family .." He paused, chewing on his lips, ".. and I'm masked tonight."

Grinning to himself, he snatched a towel from Seunghyun-hyung viciously and almost bounced to the changing room.

 

Seunghyun watched his friend worriedly. He had an inkling of what Daesung might be going through and having waded through phases in his life where he felt utterly alone, lost and with not much to vent his dark thoughts, he recognised it in someone else. He caught Youngbae's eyes, aware that he was watching both of them since they left the stage. Shaking his head slightly to warn him not to pursue this now, he flipped a cigarette into his mouth. Youngbae slipped him his hotel room keycard, murmuring he would get another later. He was supposedly sharing a room with Daesung for this trip but everyone in their group knew he had another room with his partner. Seunghyun slowly walked back to the changing room, filing this away to try to chip away at Daesung another day. Daesung was always there for them when they needed to talk but he never went to them with his thoughts. If only he would let others in before it eats him alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this became darker on its own :3


	3. The hyungs

Daesung eyed his phone from his prone position. The sounds of soft footsteps approaching the bed nearly drowned out by the incessant buzzing. He could see Seunghyun's name flashing on his screen and his temper flared. He had gone into this room with no expectations but knowing it would soothe the dark thoughts which started to creep into his head the moment he saw that quirked eyebrow. Thoughts of her and now fuelled by his hyung's untiring attempts at contacting him after he left his hotel room with a curt goodnight earlier, only made him angrier. The soft hands touching his shoulders tentatively cooled his temper slightly. Daesung made agreeable sounds as they travelled down his back lightly in an attempt to look for the tense spots. At least this one knew what she was supposed to do first. Only he would determine how the rest of the few hours would play out. Sometimes, he didn't know how they would go until the very end. Daesung reached out and with one hand, took the battery out of his phone. This time and space, it's his and his alone.

 

Seunghyun frowned at his phone. He had called Daesung 4 times and each was left unanswered. The 5th call didn't make it through, instead going to his voicemail.

"He switched it off or took the battery out," Youngbae said quietly.

Seunghyun morosely placed his phone on the coffee table, poured himself another drink and rubbed his face roughly before sipping. He wanted to down it at one shot but even during such times, one still has to enjoy one's drink.

"Do you know who his contact is? The last one we found never came back right?"

Youngbae sighed, "He was happy enough with the cheque Yang-sajangnim gave him. Although hyung, I kept telling him, Dae would always find another one, he has his ways you know? That last one led to those girls catching him early in the morning when he came back and I thought he would stop but I guess he hasn't."

"Does Jiyong know? What am I talking about. He always knows. But he won't do a thing unless it affects his work and we know Dae is a master at making sure his work is not affected."

Youngbae stood up and started to pace, as if his body couldn't contain his frustration.

"Yeah Jiyongie knows. In fact I think he knows more than us but he won't tell me a thing. You know for someone who is pretty shitty at keeping useless secrets, this one is something I wish he would tell me more about. He just keeps telling me that it's Daesung's life and he will step in if he thinks it's necessary. He said he knew Daesung was going through something and he understands him for now. Hyung, Jiyongie's soft spot for Daesungie will be the death of me some day. One day this is going to destroy Daesungie completely and we wouldn't have had a chance to do anything to help him!"

Seunghyun watched Youngbae as he agitatedly grabbed a glass. He could always tell when Youngbae was reaching his stage of overprotectiveness when he started referring to his younger friend as Daesungie.

"You're drinking? She's not going to like it." Youngbae squinted at his hyung, "She knows I'm upset, she'll be ok. Besides, we talk a lot, except about this. Not yet anyway. And Daesungie is just going to shut me out even further if he finds out we talk about him."

Seunghyun poured the rest of his wine from its bottle into Youngbae's glass. He swirled his own and stared at it contemplatively.

"He's an adult and he should be free to do what he thinks can help him," Seunghyun paused his swirling and faced Youngbae whom he realised had already finished his glass. Wincing at the lack of etiquette he observed for himself, he shook his head slightly and concluded "I think for now. We just wait and watch him. But if I see anything -- _anything_ , Youngbae, that looks like he might even think of doing it again, I will forcefully step in."

Youngbae's nostrils flared at the memories of that night. His eyes welled up remembering how maknae had shouted in fear and the rest of them rushing into Daesungie's room in their old dorm and that letter. That letter that made him feel the most frightened he had ever felt in his whole life. How he had failed to see how far Daesungie had fallen and how much his darkness had consumed him. Even at the risk of getting caught or seen by fans who were always stalking them, they rushed out, barely jamming on caps, facemasks and clothes from their stockpile of 'disguise accessories.'

They had found him walking aimlessly along the Han river, shivering, even in his 3 layers of clothes. Youngbae would never forget the dread he felt when he held Daesungie and felt the wetness seep through to his own clothes.

Daesungie had smiled bitterly and Youngbae felt his heart crack when he whispered tremulously, "I tried to swim, hyung. I can't even get that right. Guess I shouldn't swim on top of driving."

The fear that struck Youngbae was so deep that he had kept a rigid schedule between him and Seunghyun to keep a watch on Daesungie for a week. He couldn't let maknae be part of this and Jiyongie was too soft; he was afraid Daesungie could persuade Jiyongie to leave him be. They never let him out of their sight during that week. When Daesungie announced that he would go back to his hometown and be with his family and church, he felt that the darkness had passed and he was on his way to recovery. He kept in contact with a close friend of Daesungie who was still at his hometown to keep tabs on him but never let on that he knew about his activities. 

He had thought that that part was over. Youngbae felt angry that it started happening again and he didn't catch on until he started observing Daesungie and his hyung's behaviour lately. 

"You're going to break that glass if you hold on to it much longer, Bae.." Youngbae smiled wryly at his hyung. Placing his glass on the coffee table gingerly, he bit his lower lip.

"I'll do the same hyung. I'll.. watch. It's going to be difficult and we can't let him know we're watching that closely but I'll try," he grimaced, standing up.

"Say hello to her for me. You're lucky to have someone you can share your life with," Seunghyun smiled fondly at him.

"Yeah. I am. And I'm lucky Daesungie was there, with you, when I had my own bad times too."

As Seunghyun watched the door close after Youngbae, he ruminated over his findings so far. Daesung was always so much better than him at digging for information but he was the one who remembered everything. He would look through the pictures and videos of that concert to see if anything would come up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp.


	4. Which witch?

Daesung hummed to himself, flipping his laptop screen up. He felt good. The session a few days ago had made him feel more relaxed and lying in his own bed in his own house made him feel safer and protected from the outside world. He had also wheedled a copy of the whole collection of photos and video clips for himself from the production team -- he was good with things like that, smiling and laughing and getting things from people if he really wanted to.

"Before they edited them too.." he whispered to himself gleefully. 

He knew that the amount of unedited photographs and video clips were mostly edited heavily for promoting purposes or to include in DVDs and quite a number were left out for whichever reason. Sometimes Jiyong-hyung would ask for certain scenes to be cut out if he felt they didn't go with the flow of the story they were creating.

Daesung carefully selected the folder for the concert he wanted and opened all the photos at once to scroll through, eyes keenly watching colors popping up at him, his heart thumping.

6 hours later, the morning light started streaming into his bedroom through the window. Daesung's eyes stung after staring at both his laptop and phone screens for so long. Instead of feeling reassured which he normally did after a marathon of digging information, he felt a rising alarm well up within him. For once, he felt defeated. All that carefully cultivated stage and public persona, those smiles and waving, all of that, could go down the drain and he would be ruined. He won't be able to show his face to the world anymore. A long buried feeling of hopelessness started to make itself known within himself but he had trained himself to squash it the moment he was aware of it coming back. He barely managed to divert his thoughts away. Glancing at his clock and judging that Youngbae-hyung would already be awake by now, he pulled back his blanket and left his room, not bothering to put anything on. 

He slid onto his favorite seat in the house and picked up his sticks, twirling them slightly. He started tapping lightly on the rims of the double toms. He was in control right now. He could plan this carefully.

 

Youngbae squinted at his watch. 5.30am and he could hear Daesung's rhythmic drumming already. He couldn't decide if this was good or bad. For a moment he was stuck in immobility, deciding if he should make a casual visit to his dongsaeng's apartment to have a chat -- information gathering of sorts. But he had promised himself that he would give Daesung some time. Nodding to himself, he put on his running shoes, tapped out a quick message to Seunghyun and left for the gym. He would think about this again maybe, after his session.

 

Seunghyun slowly opened an eye and glared at his phone. Who the fuck sent him a message at fucking 5.30am? All of them were given explicit orders, repeatedly, to never contact him before 2pm during their resting period. But he had been on a constant alert ever since the chat he had with Youngbae in the hotel and Daesung had came back right before dawn on the same day, without a word of explanation. He had even ignored Seunghyun who was in his room, not questioning why he wasn't in his own room. Daesung had shut him out since then and Seunghyun had been worrying at this. He groaned and reach out to his phone.

"He's drumming. Good, bad dunno." Seunghyun snorted at the brevity of Youngbae's message. Concise with no other information -- Youngbae must have filed this new development away to think it over in his head for a while, as with how he usually does things.

His phone unexpectedly buzzed again. Startled, Seunghyun cursed out loud. 

"Hyung, we need to talk." His eyes widened as he read the message. Daesung had never ever voluntarily reached out to him in this way. Seunghyun felt his spirits lift slightly. If he was willing to let him in, perhaps this was not what he and Youngbae expected after all?

"Sure, free now. No wait after 2pm. Where?"

"My place, anytime after 2pm, bring drinks ^^"

Ok now Seunghyun felt anxious. Daesung inviting him to his house? With drinks?

Deciding this was not worth the throbbing in his head and a conversation before 6am, he muttered about bunny ears in messages and started snoring the moment he dropped his phone beside him and his head hit the pillow.

 

Daesung straightened the cushions on his sofa for the nth time. He had carefully set up his laptop on the dining room table, had prepared glasses, take-out from Seunghyun-hyung's favorite restaurant prepared beautifully on his best plates and he was wearing his most comfortable clothes which wasn't too informal but would show that he was serious. But not _too_ serious. He couldn't have his hyung know how big a deal this was to him. But maybe he should, maybe he should change his clothes or -- the doorbell rang.

Daesung hurried to the door but it was already halfway open by the time he reached it. Seunghyun's smiling face popped in,"I remember everything remember? You gave me the code the day you moved in."

Leaving Seunghyun to place a bag of bottles on his table, Daesung muttered to himself about changing his security code while rummaging for a corkscrew.

After a rather strange meal with an over-exuberant Seunghyun and a muted Daesung, they settled on the sofa together with their glasses of wine. Daesung had moved his laptop to the coffee table. He cleared his throat.

"Hyung, the thing I wanted to talk about.."

Seunghyun dropped his happy act and gently placed his glass beside the laptop, carefully controlling his movements. He felt like any sharp movements might scare Daesung away or stop him from opening up to talk about whatever this is.

Daesung glanced at his hyung, eyes darting to his laptop and he sighed. Without speaking further, he double clicked on the photos he had carefully copied into a new folder and moved the laptop for his hyung to get a clearer view.

Seunghyun scrolled through the photos quietly. Confused, he stopped and picked up his glass again. 

"These are photos of the concert we just had before we returned home. What did you wanted me to see?"

Daesung ran through the plan in his head. He almost gave up on it, not willing to do this with anyone else but he knew his hyung wouldn't be fooled that easily.

"It's this girl, hyung," he took the mouse and hovered the cursor over the same girl, that _witch_ with the quirked eyebrow, appearing in all the photos he had opened.

Seunghyun maintained a face of confusion "And..? She's at the front row so she would appear in a lot of those photos?"

Daesung clicked on his browser with a dozen opened tabs. He gestured to Seunghyun to read all its contents. He stood up, slightly agitated, walked to the kitchen and began rinsing the dirty plates.

Seunghyun looked after the retreating back of his friend and started reading...

 

1 hour later, Seunghyun leaned back on the sofa, feeling an uncomfortable crick in his neck from hunching over the laptop for so long. Daesung handed him his glass (washed, much to his amusement, and re-filled).

"There's more.. I haven't transferred these to my laptop yet so.." Daesung unlocked his phone, tapped a few times and passed it to Seunghyun with slight reluctance.

Seunghyun smiled and took the phone. Daesung _never_ lets anyone touch his phone, let alone see anything in it. He felt like he was in a surreal sort of space at the moment, in his apartment, reading those posts from his laptop and now holding his phone...

 

"Ok now we talk. Why was I reading all those posts on someone's blog and that was a private blog, Daesung, how did you get those, and these pictures, where did you get them?" Daesung grabbed his phone away from his hyung's hand, he could see his hyung had already taken the opportunity to open other apps in his phone, the nosy dolt.

Taking a deep breath, Daesung composed himself.

"I think we have a problem with security. Or rather privacy. I mean our security team is doing a good job but how did this girl know so much..." Daesung's arms flailed about ".. stuff?!" 

Seunghyun was still confused,"Dae-yah, firstly, half of those things are information our stalkers already know about, secondly, the other half look like things she made up. I've never heard about those things you supposedly did and it looks like she's just another fan who conjectured these.. things about us, especially about you."

"Hyung, I called you here because I know you remember everything. I wanted to know if you've seen her before that concert anywhere around me.. I mean us. Like when we had dinner or .. or maybe when I meet my friends when we went overseas.."

Seunghyun decided not to ask about his so-called 'friends'. He knew that his dongsaeng suspected that he knew about his activities to an extent when they were overseas. In actual fact, as he was going through the photos on Daesung's laptop, he recognised the girl. Daesung was not the only one with a copy of those photos. He had obtained them much earlier, right after the concert on the way home in fact. He wanted to know why Daesung was so agitated that night nearing the end of the concert. He had noted that the girl's face was amongst the first two rows in the concert but didn't think much of it. He couldn't figure out from the video clips what had made Daesung so shocked that he had almost let slip his stage persona. Watching Daesung who was now trying to maintain his composure after that uncharacteristic outburst, Seunghyun retreated into his mind quickly to put the pieces together. Was she the reason for the deterioration in his state of mind? But Daesung had started to show signs of slipping a few months even before this concert. 

"Not really, Dae-yah. I've only seen her for the first time in those photos. But if this is an issue and you think she might be invading your, or our privacy, we can let the security guys know and you know they will stop her from coming near us wherever we are. In concerts, if you see her, you can choose not to go where she is. You know Youngbae and Jiyong do that anyway when they see their stalkers. Daesungie.. I wanted to talk to you about something else though.." Seunghyun nervously tapped the side of his glass.

Daesung looked up at his hyung sharply. The changes in topic and tone of his voice were enough for him to start building up his wall rapidly. He stubbornly veered back to their original topic of discussion so they needn't tread on dangerous grounds.

"She seems like a witch to me hyung. Stalking me, writing all those things only I know about, and pretending to be innocent about it, smiling at me, making me believe she's a true fan, taking me away from my other fans, I don't like it hyung."

Slightly bemused, Seunghyun didn't miss the singular reference Daesung made to himself. 

"And yes, ok hyung, I have my needs, I meet some.. _people_ , it won't happen like the last time, I'm discrete now, my contact is much better and he doesn't have a reason to spill anything to anyone, not like the last one.." Daesung bitterly smiled into his glass, refusing to meet his hyung's eyes. He belatedly decided it was better to be honest so his hyung wouldn't pry further. Honest, to an extent, or as much as he wanted him to know, at least.

Surprised by the sudden confession, Seunghyun struggled to form words. This was the latest sudden turn in events he didn't quite expect today.

"Well. I mean. I have confidence you know what you're doing now Daesung. Just don't shut me out again, please? I cannot live with myself if.. If. You know." 

Disarmed by his hyung's reply, Daesung rubbed his shoulders gently. 

"It won't happen again, hyung. I hurt too many people that time. I'm in control now. Trust me."

 

Shutting the door behind Seunghyun after a few more hours of reassurances that they would never keep things from each other in future, Daesung slumped down onto his sofa. He thought that went rather according to his plan. Aside from the sudden confession, which proved to be quite strategic, he felt. He wasn't going to bring this up with the security team. He didn't want the girl to be too far. In fact, he wanted her closer. Daesung padded to his bed, stripped and made himself comfortable. He opened his twitter app. Nobody, not even his members, knew that he had a twitter account. A _public_ one. He was careful in never posting any group or solo information or activities and never said anything to make anyone suspicious. Tweets were drafted and deleted and re-drafted before he even posted them. He even had a night of fun where he pretended to be a fan and teased maknae nonstop because he knew maknae was the one person who would obsessively read all his mentions. He grinned to himself remembering how maknae complained about it the whole day about the fangirl harrassing him. Where is _my_ witch? He tapped on an account and began re-reading. While her blog was private, her account on twitter wasn't and he would dig further. This might actually be fun. He carefully composed and sent a private message to her. He was going to delve into her mind and turn the table on her. He was in control.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boo.


End file.
